(This letter is written by a law school classmate, a lady lawyer. This is reprinted here, with prior permission, since it contains kernels of thought that made me pause and think about my own life. The first half of the letter, which is as long as the unedited half posted here, had been deleted.)
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Dearest EV,
. . . Alam mo, may kuwento ako tungkol sa sarili ko…
I was hospitalized June of last year. It took me three months to recover. Super bagal ng recovery ko, EV. Hatid-sundo ako sa office and school. My mother was even attending my classes, baka bigla raw akong mahilo sa class while doing the lectures. And my voice was so faint; I couldn’t even lift my own groceries. This January 1, yep, new year, nagka-relapse ako. Was hospitalized for 4 days; got better in 3-4 weeks. I am 90% OK as of the moment. There are still occasional pains but I can now hold my own. Nakakagala na rin ako…
After all the tests, I was found to have severe caffeine exposure. It probably caused my osteopenia; pang 50-60 years old na raw ang bones ko. Since the bones are too weak to support my body, my muscles become spasmic. I also have cervical myalgia. Nagiging tensed mga muscles since they compensate for the bones. And the muscles in the cervical area get too spasmic that blood could not flow up to the temporal lobe daw. So I’d get dizzy. The other doctors say the dizziness is due to vertigo since there is an imbalance somewhere between my ears. bla bla bla…
I trembled when I had the attack; couldn’t move; couldn’t stand; I bloated and vomited; nabibitawan ko mga hawak ko. It was hell! We thought it was the brain but my brain CT Scan and MRI were both normal. Grabe, buti gumaling ulit ako. My parents were planning to take me home. And that was the depressing part. I love my sleepy town but do you know how it feels to go to a place that’s not calling you?
I had been drinking 12-14 cups of coffee everyday; unlimited Coke; I slept at 2am and woke up at 7am and relied on my coffee to keep me awake. Most of all, my mind was never at rest… I was eating too much meat and fastfood, too. Kaya antaas ng cholesterol level ko. The doctors said that to get osteopenia at my age, I should have been drinking at least 30 cups of coffee a day. So they still find it strange why I got the bone condition at age 29.
Well, you could just imagine how I HAD to change my lifestyle. That was one of my life’s most trying moments. Was on caffeine withdrawal for a month. Under the supervision of a toxicologist! Ganu’n pala yun. Para kang addict. But how nice rehab looks in restrospect…
Now, I am so living a healthy lifestyle. It took time to adjust. I now live on milk, fruit, veggies, fish, squid. No more chicken, pork or beef. Tubig na lang ngayon. Pwede rin fruit shake or fresh juice, pero walang honey or asukal. bla bla bla… Kaaway ko na ba ang mundo?!
I was crying to myself on the first morning I woke up on my hospital bed. All I could say in prayer was, “God, I’m so tired…” Ako rin naman kasi, why do I always push myself to the limit? I looked back at the times when I had been over-exerting myself and maybe half of those that I put on my list were unnecessary. I mean, some of them were not worth it. I’m referring to those that I toiled for not because of something I felt I was called to do but which I did anyway for the sake of pride.
Now, I am living life differently and I am loving it. Music never sounded much better. Friendster suddenly was appealing. (so now you know why I am suddenly in the loop!) The visits from my father were never as precious. Never did I prepare dinner for my mother. I have never felt so loved. Higit sa lahat, maganda ang nangyari because I have no choice but to pause. Then and there I saw how my Creator has blessed me with so much…
I had been unnecessarily stressing myself before, EV. What was it all for? Ano na nga yung sabi sa Grey’s Anatomy? “Why do I keep hitting my head with a hammer? Because it feels so good once I stopped…” Does life really need to be this hard? It’s not supposed to be…
This illness gave me an opportunity to look inside myself. I thought I was already the overly-introspective type. Yun pala, I’ve only been looking at the layers. Life is kinder to me now. It probably had been for so long, I was just too busy to see it. And now, everyday, I stumble upon reasons to smile. I’ve been sleeping soundly, too. And this has been possible despite my greatest loss – the death of my Tatang. Everyone who knows me too well knows that he is my ultimate favorite person. It was difficult seeing him go. Pag namatay ang mahal mo sa buhay, di mo na sila masusundan. Or makukulit. Unless kunin ka na rin ni Lord… Ulk…
Isipin mo ha, I went through three major difficulties last year: death, illness, and a very painful final separation from the man I was seeing for almost five years. Alam mo na, the problem with the traditional pure Chinese… The lightest to bear was that damn heartbreak. Death – man, that was the hardest to face. Yan ang talagang heartache.
Now, there are still those quiet moments when I sit on the swivel and cry. Thinking that there is no more Tatang to introduce me as his apo; or no one to fetch me for dinner because his parents won’t exempt him from their “sacred” (read:stupid, ang bitter ko talaga) tradition. I mean, some men go to Timbuktu to marry their true love! But not this one, EV. Not this one… I bet you know someone who did =)
Duh… Ganyan daw talaga ang buhay. If for anything, I have matured far more than I thought I ever could. That’s probably why I seem to be approaching contentment=)
To close, maiba naman tayo…
Mahaba ’tong letter ko kasi holiday. It’s the death anniversary of Ninoy. You know, the man who said the Filipino is worth dying for… As for our country, ala pa ring pagbabago dito. This land must be yearning for its people to love her. Wala talaga tayong matinong leader. Honestly, I would want a kamay na bakal. Yung authoritarian leader na may vision. Ala-Mahathir Mohammad ba? We will be surrendering some of our civil liberties but that will be transitory. In a country like ours, mga 20 years sigurong authoritarian rule ang kailangan. Kakainis na kasi. Don’t you just ache for our countrymen? Those who have nothing now will not have anything ever. And how does it feel to live your whole life like that? Seeing no possibilities. You will never know how far you can go. You will never discover your limits. At pag ganyan ang buhay mo, will faith be ever enough to sustain you? Will there ever be any meaning? Haaay, sorry. Pang-homily na yata ‘to. Anyway, titigilan ko na…
OK, my dear. Your turn for kuwento. Miss you a lot, EV! Do take care of you and your family. Keep each other happy =)
Can’t wait to hear from you,
XXX
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